Too Bad It's Not Actually Voltron vs. Cthulu

Neill Cumpston, who may be the single greatest movie reviewer in history (Don’t believe me? Check out his gloriously gonzo reviews for 300 and The Matrix Reloaded.), has a review of the J.J. Abrams-produced monster-eats-New-York fakeumentary Cloverfield over at AICN. It is very much not family-blog appropriate, but to whet your appetite, I’ve included a short sample after the jump.

So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City.

But that’s not the fucked-up part.

The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.

Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.

OK, obviously he’s tremendously crude and stupid, even knowing that he’s kidding, but beyond the fact that I still harbor a serious weakness for crass, adolescent entertainment and humor, I actually do think he pretty much perfectly captures the brain-blitzed, awful, gleefully moronic pleasures of Big Dumb Movies About Shit Blowing Up.