Chuckpocalypse Now

Not only has Chuck Norris discovered the secret to achieving negligible sensescence — he is also, according to a friend of mine currently in Baghdad, bizarrely well-loved by the US military.

have you heard about the US army chuck norris fixation? he’s literally on the walls of every port o john in iraq. at a base in kuwait, i peed into a urinal that said “chuck norris is watching you.” here in Baghdad, I’ve seen these: “Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse; horses are hung like chuck.” “Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.” and “Chuck Norris once ate a 72-ounce steak in 45 minutes. He spent the first forty minutes making love to the waitress.”

So perhaps General Petraeus will not lead the American military coup of 2012. Rather, it’ll be Norris and Huckabee, both bare-chested and festooned with bandoliers. Meanwhile, Barack Obama will lead a doughty band of center-left law professors and knife-wielding social workers in armed resistance, backed by Virtual Hugo Chavez and his Bolivarian Republic of Cyberbolivaria.