The R. Kelly Trial: Trial of the Millennium

Josh Levin is a visionary. But even he can’t match the rococo insanity# of R. Kelly’s defense team.

On cross-examination, Adam Jr. repeatedly confirms that Jamison relied exclusively on her best friend’s face and hair to identify the girl and time-stamp the video. “You can’t tell by looking at a person’s vagina how old they are, can you?” he asks, then takes a stab at answering his own question: “I don’t think you can.” Once it’s well-established that Jamison didn’t pay much attention to the alleged victim’s crotch and torso, Adam Jr. asks whether Jamison has seen a “Waymon Brothers” movie called Little Man. “They took the head of Marlon Waymons and put it on a midget, and it looked real, didn’t it?” Adam Jr. exclaims, emphasizing the last two words for maximum “gotcha” effect. Jamison looks at him like he’s a lunatic or, at least, an astoundingly bad film critic. “Not reeeally,” she says, her voice lilting in disbelief as the courtroom breaks up. Congratulations to the Waymon Brothers: This is the first time Little Man has generated laughter.

Amazingly, Adam Jr. is not kidding about any of this. Just as special effects turned Marlon Wayans (I know your last name, my friend!) into a little person, he suggests, so might the sex tape we saw on Tuesday be some sort of digital collage of faces and bodies.

I want Adam Jr. to negotiate with the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.