Is there some way the United States can be made an Emirate of the United Arab Emirates? I’m pretty sure this plan will only work if we drill here and drill now. I know what you’re thinking: “Yes, this is a pretty plausible plan in broad outline, and declaring Islam the state religion should do down pretty smoothly, not least with civil libertarians. But who will be Emir?” John McCain has many admirable qualities, but he likes what you might call regal bearing. Barack Obama has it, but he is a devout Christian, which, of course, disqualifies him from the job.
Which is why I humbly submit myself for this most important of jobs. Given my profound ignorance regarding matters of state, I would be content to leave all substantive duties in the hands of my Grand Vizier, Richard Posner. Rather than sully myself with the political hither-and-thither, I’d spend my days lying on a sumptuous divan, reading, and eating peeled grapes — peeled by my bitterest foes, now shackled in my vast network of gulags. Being a pretty magnanimous person by nature (I can’t help it), these gulags will be equipped with wi-fi.
What you might not realize is that the above proposal is actually in the fine print of Newt Gingrich’s drilling petition, which has already garnered over 2 million signatures. So it seems we’re already well on our way to a bright, prosperous future under a benign, financially solvent Sunni autocracy.
I’d also like to add that I’m really tired of Barack Obama and John McCain. Seriously. No more. I was telling my persuasive conservative friend the other day that I really wish this election pitted Vladimir Putin against Alvaro Uribe. Because let me tell you: I’m for Uribe all the way. Uribe ’08! Given that we’re in a state of national emergency, I see no reason not to suspend the constitutional provisions that would keep a sitting foreign head of state from becoming president. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am fully confident that Uribe would swiftly crush the rebellion in the northern two-thirds of the United States. This “Canadian government,” headquartered in Ottawa, even prints its own currency in open defiance of our sovereign rights! My understanding is that rebel leader Subcommandante Stephen Harper is interested in “warm relations” with his “neighbors to the south,” to which I say: eat tank tread, rebel scum.