Heaven Help Us, the Videos Are Back

For goodness sake, please make it stop! Honestly, these videos are appalling. Completely appalling. But I’m addicted. Inspired by the brilliant Dinner Party Download, masterminded by my friend Brendan and his friend Rico, I’ve been talking to four of my smartest and most charming friends about starting a “podcast.” I hear “podcasting” is all the rage. So hopefully that effort will distract me from making these videos that have been known to make the ears of cats and children bleed, and that have psychologically scarred dozens of unfortunate viewers across the Internet.

The first one is almost coherent — the operative word being “almost.” Notice that I just returned home from a run. Salam will soon be in fighting trim, which will facilitate my efforts to tae kwon do evil aliens to death, or rather, “to def.”

This second video is a “song” about breaking out my “spring pants,” in this case a somewhat distressed pair of Acne Jeans. It also reflects my recent interest in acquiring a sarong. Some years ago, a beautiful woman told me that she thinks more men should wear sarongs, and this left an impression on me. The trouble is that I know my limitations, and I’m pretty sure there’s no way in hell I can pull off a sarong. I might be able to pull off a sarong if I were wrestling multiple grizzly bears at the same time. But that hasn’t happened in weeks. Moreover, the pro-sarong woman — full disclosure — sort of shattered my heart and ate it. And it wasn’t even an entrĂ©e: it was a side dish, like sauteed spinach, yo. Only it was my heart. Damn you! Earlier today, another beautiful woman told me that wearing a sarong would represent a serious lapse in judgment, and I guess I’ll defer to her superior wisdom. Or perhaps I should have both of them engage in a Crossfire debate, moderated by Michael Kinsley.

Hey yo, hey yo
She ate my heart,
It still smarts
A side dish, like sauteed spinach
From Compton to Greenwich,
I’ll have some halibut
All of it, out of habit
I even ate the fishbones
Listen to Fishbone
And play trombone
with my mouth and a xylophone
my feet
I’m multitalented: I can’t be beat

You know what? Posting the video is kind of an anti-climax after all of this build-up, so I think I’ll spare you. But just this once!

Okay, I have to go hang.

If you’re wondering, by the way, why I haven’t been blogging about nitty-gritty policy issues, I’ll mention only that something is in the works. I’m keeping my powder dry. Salam wonkery will return.