A New Way to Think About Life
The title of this post promises a lot — suffice it to say, the following won’t solve all of your problems, but it might offer a new and constructive way to think about some of them: the Cosmic Timekeeper theory. I’ve included this sketch because I tried to make this woman look world-weary and wise.
As a procrastinator, I’ve often confronted the following scenario that is no doubt familiar to many of you: something is due at noon, and it is 5 AM and I haven’t come close to starting it, let alone finishing it. You could panic. Or you could keep the following scenario in mind:
It is 3 PM, long after the deadline has passed, and so has a tremendous opportunity. You are full of regret. And so you cry out to the great Cosmic Timekeeper,
“Oh man, if only I could travel back in time to actually get the assignment done! Man. I am super-bummed.”
Then the Cosmic Timekeeper emerges from a vaporous cloud, and he says, “I’ll grant you your wish — but I’ll only transport you to 5 AM.”
“That would be rad! Whoa, thanks so much!”
“Aha! But there’s a catch. You will not know that I, the Cosmic Timekeeper, sent you back in time. You will be full of despair and tiredness, and once again you’ll fail to complete the assignment! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“No I won’t!”
“Yes you will!”
“No I won’t!”
Etc. So the next time 5 AM rolls around, just remember: the Cosmic Timekeeper has sent you back in time. Will you use it wisely, or will you be the victim of his cruel prank?
This logic extends further. Say you’ve been the victim of a terrible heartbreak — you’ve been dumped by a woman who is tremendously funny and warm, and she’s also quite striking in an unconventional way. You imagined her wandering around your future cavernous apartment with an Indian headdress, serving mixed drinks for the assembled crowd while making brilliant wisecracks. You are totally devastated.
Here’s the thing: once again, the Cosmic Timekeeper has come to the rescue.
In fact, you’re 45 years old, married to the heartbreaker with two precocious and very sweet little kids. The marriage, however, is dissolving. Her tremendous qualities have, as you knew all along, a dark undercurrent: she can be cutting, and she’s drawn to the hard stuff. She has a tough exterior, but she compartmentalizes and blocks you out. She’s easy to love, but tough to live with and tough to fully trust. And having scraped and fought for her so assiduously, there’s been a built-in asymmetry in the relationship almost from the start, reinforcing whatever insecurities you might have about her caginess and fundamental inaccessibility.
You’re a wreck, basically, and you’re very worried about these amazing kids — you worry that a divorce will damage them in a deep and profound way. This is not a pleasant scenario.
So you turn, as always, to the Cosmic Timekeeper, who says, “Yeah, I can take you back to the point before this relationship will cause you grievous harm. But you’re not going to like it.”
“Honestly, I can deal with some minor unpleasantness.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re going to cling for dear life. You won’t have the guts to cut loose, so she’ll have to do it, which will sting and you’ll fight it.”
“Dude. Give me some credit.”
“Here goes, fool.”
There you are.
This will strike you as Panglossian — surely this is the best of all possible worlds. There is a difference. At 5 AM, you still have seven hours. You can do it. At 11 AM, the window has closed. Even the Cosmic Timekeeper would find sending you there to be a cruel trick. This framework applies to moments when sloggy depression can blind you to the fact that, yes you can.
To students: power through, finish the paper. In my student days, I’d eat chocolate-covered coffee beans, which were disgusting, and I’d take periodic cold showers. Others drink coffee. It’s distinctly possible that (a) you’ll make it happen and (b) it’ll be an excellent, excellent paper. Inspiration strikes in the wee hours. To the lovelorn: think about it — I mean, come on?
The Cosmic Timekeeper is on your side.
That woman looks like Michael Jackson.
— Virginia Postrel · Jul 1, 05:44 AM · #
This is magnificent.
— Conor Friedersdorf · Jul 1, 05:56 AM · #
I’m afraid the woman mainly looks like she’s chewing something, but you’re a fascinating writer here and in general so I’ll let it slide.
— dan · Jul 1, 08:35 AM · #
I sometimes, not often enough, think that if my future self could go back in time, I’d be thrilled to buckle down & cheer up & not be quite so overwhelmed and pessimistic about dealing with the ankylosing spondylitis arthritis that has been for twenty-five years, since delicate puberty, formative puberty, fusing my joints and vertebrae & pushing me into a stooped and weakened state, and that I REALLY CAN live a good life in my current state, which not only could be worse, but WILL GET MUCH worse if I don’t adopt a more positive disposition. I would love to go back in time and start at any point in the past, when I had some precious few degrees more rotation in my neck, and could look up and around and see what wonders were on offer to me then.
— Wiseguise · Jul 1, 11:45 AM · #
Can we arrange for your cosmic timekeeper (CT) to visit president obama, and maybe have milton friedman accompany her on the visit? Better yet, can we arrange a mass GOP intervention spearheaded by CT?
— frankie g · Jul 1, 11:49 AM · #
Or you could just knot a couple of yards of cloth around your hips and call it good.
— Tony Comstock · Jul 1, 12:43 PM · #
Having just finished the Perfectly Awful Sandworms of Dune I am very reminded of the Oracle of Time that nips in to save the gholas from the evermind at the last moment.
CT also stands for Cheap Trick.
But you write so gorgeously Reihan….why not use your Superawesome superpowers for good instead instead of evil?
— matoko_chan · Jul 1, 01:57 PM · #
Dark chocolate covered coffee beans are yummy, and really the only legitimate non-espresso use of super dark roasts. In an airport and wishing I had some now….
OK, well, let’s extend your thought. Clearly from how you’ve presented it the cosmic timekeeper is a total bite in the ass. He’s likely to mess with time largely to screw you.
So it’s 3AM and you’re finishing an all-nighter, putting the finishing touches on a paper that’s adequate. Little do you realize that in the Reality That Was you decided to blow off that paper, in a bout of carpe diem joy. You went outside, heard the noises of a still-winding down party, lit up a damn fine jay, got the nerve to speak to that heart-stoppingly beautiful woman downstairs, discovered shortly afterwards while missing the class where the paper was due that her remarkable loveliness was matched by uncommon sexual enthusiasm, and then you’re in bed feeling just the tiniest remotest twinge of guilt over blowing off the paper, because you’re unaware that as it turns out class was cancelled today due to a freak event of a meteor hitting the building and, sadly, killing many of your classmates. Ah, well, now you have time to write a much better paper.
That bastard Cosmic Timekeeper senses that twinge and, laughing, transports you back to 5AM, and here you are, you loser, finishing the paper.
Or that woman you are congratulating yourself over extricating yourself from. Well, you have no idea how good it was going to have turned out — but the CT screwed you again.
I’m just saying: your model requires the CT to be a dink. And if he is it’s far more likely that you’re missing out on the good stuff.
— Sanjay · Jul 1, 02:42 PM · #
“Existential” is the most misused word in the English language, but I think it applies justly to this. Wonderful.
— Ron Mwangaguhunga · Jul 1, 02:48 PM · #
“ lit up a damn fine jay, got the nerve to speak to that heart-stoppingly beautiful woman downstairs”
Fucken Nancy Reagan fucked up my college years for sure.
— Tony Comstock · Jul 1, 03:11 PM · #
To me, she looks like a wise Latina woman. I would hope she would be better positioned to judge my life decisions than a white man like myself.
— JohnMcG · Jul 1, 03:26 PM · #
I have to say, that’s rather brilliant
— paul h. · Jul 1, 03:50 PM · #
“Existential” is the most misused word in the English language, but I think it applies justly to this.
Well….
— Freddie · Jul 1, 03:51 PM · #
God, how self-absorbed. Look, make the right decisions the first time, or, if you didn’t, own your mistakes. The universe doesn’t care enough about you to send you back in time.
But I can see why everyone is falling all over themselves to tell you how great this is; everybody likes to feel like they’re the Most Special Snowflake in the Universe, and I suppose the idea that your entire life is a divinely-granted Second Chance To Do the Right Thing is amazingly self-gratifying. But I wonder about the psyche of someone who needs that kind of fluffing just to write a paper.
— Chet · Jul 1, 03:55 PM · #
I think the cosmic timekeeper just sent me here.
Young Salam scholars: Compare and contrast Reihan Salam’s use of “the Cosmic Timekeeper” to Friedrich Nietzsche’s use of “the thought of eternal recurrence.” Extra credit for sketched portraits.
— Will Wilkinson · Jul 1, 04:03 PM · #
Do you write short stories in between all these blogs and columns sprouting up with Reihan Salam in the byline?
— E.D. Kain · Jul 1, 04:09 PM · #
Also the CT has no scientific validity, which is what I care most about.
You can’t go backwards
— matoko_chan · Jul 1, 04:20 PM · #
Hi Chet:
You are a genius. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
— Reihan · Jul 1, 04:40 PM · #
Chet, I take it you are young, and have yet to be Properly Beaten Down by life. But take from me, in not too many years you will be tremendously grateful for whatever fluffing you get, whether a product of personal delusion or the kindness of friends and strangers. You will employ all manner of (what would be to a younger, prouder man embarrassing) tactics; various bit of bargaining and rationalizing and magical thinking just to try to get to the end of another day; and after that to try and get through another night. You will greet every sunrise with a sign that means both “Thank God” and “Oh no.”
Also, some of us are the Most Special Snowflake in the Universe. I reckon this is equally incomprehensible to you.
(My life has gotten much easier to bear since adopting JP’s style of gravid capitalization!)
— Tony Comstock · Jul 1, 05:07 PM · #
…This is too coincidental to be anything but God directly intervening in my life.
— Terri! · Jul 1, 06:10 PM · #
I was going to comment about how similar this is to Nietzsche’s eternal recurrence, only to find that none other than Will Wilkinson beat me to the punch. I suppose that’s its own reward.
— bcg · Jul 1, 07:42 PM · #
No, I’ve been pretty well beat down I would say. Of all the people I know I’m the one who’s failed the most, made the most wrong decisions, done the most boneheaded stuff. (The most different drugs, too.) I don’t imagine I could compare in any way to Tony, who is completely and utterly insane, but I’m no stranger to procrastination and failure. I mean, here I am at this blog.
So I know what I’m talking about. Children need to feel like they’re the most specialist person in the whole wide world. Adults need to grapple with reality. And the reality is that if you need the above philosophical world-view to get you out of bed to do stuff, you’re still a child. And before you try to tell me how magical and special and incredible it is to be a child, think back to when you actually were a child, and how the only thing you wanted was to be just a little bit older. Being childlike may have it’s attractions but they’re nothing compared to a fully-embraced adulthood.
— Chet · Jul 1, 09:01 PM · #
I think we need a subsequent post exploring the intersection of the Cosmic Timekeeper with the law of unintended consequences.
— Steven Donegal · Jul 1, 09:10 PM · #
This is what I love about the internet. Where else would I get the opportunity to get lectured on embracing adulthood by a self-professed drug-addled fuck up whose credit score is so low he thinks it might prevent him from getting a job he’s otherwise qualified for. I’ll second the earlier commenter — this is too coincidental to be anything but God directly intervening in my life!
— Tony Comstock · Jul 1, 09:23 PM · #
Where is JP?
I miss him.
Is he only commenting on threads I don’t read, or do his comments magickally disappear when I open a post?
:(
— matoko_chan · Jul 1, 11:23 PM · #
See, Tony, when I say that you are absolutely clinically bugfuck insane, this is what I’m talking about. “Drug-addled”? “Credit score”? WTF are you even talking about?
— Chet · Jul 1, 11:58 PM · #
Take heart, Chet. My understanding is that short-term memory loss cannot be reversed, but it can be retarded or even stopped.
Also, judging by the capitalization in her last, I think Mako must have a crush on JP that makes mine a mere fancy by comparison. I won’t fight you for him, Mako. If you can win his affections, he’s yours with my best wishes.
— Tony Comstock · Jul 2, 12:12 AM · #
Many people report doing some of their best work under deadlines, often having procrastinated for part of the allotted time for a task. Doubters should realize different people’s minds work differently. Experimenting with different perspectives so as to accommodate the quirks of one’s motivation and attention signifies commitment, not immaturity. One way to recognize this fact is to study the array of techniques used by athletes, writers, and others whose work involves unusual concentration and self-discipline. What matters is finding a way to practice their craft, not always being in a focused, confident frame of mind. They aren’t; and however arduous, finding and keeping access to their creativity is mostly an art (and a personal one), not a science, let alone a process reducible to the mechanical application of will.
— jason · Jul 2, 01:02 AM · #
“let alone a process reducible to the mechanical application of will.”
This is the hardest lesson to learn.
— Tony Comstock · Jul 2, 01:22 AM · #
I once talked to a therapist about how I might overcome my procrastinative habits. His response was along the lines of “perhaps you should consider just accepting that part of your personality rather than fighting it”.
I keep meaning to start to work on accepting it, but I never get around to it.
— kenb · Jul 2, 01:29 AM · #
I am really interested in how just a few people seem really put off by this essay. I take a lot of personal responsibility for my actions the first time around, but I don’t think it hurts my mindset to think that this may my last chance to get it right.
I think part of the reason that people seem to like the essay, is because we have all been in situations were we either:
A) Failed to meet a deadline and so did waste time.
B) Met a deadline successfully in spite of the odds.
And having those success and failures both help to appreciate how our time is limited, and that we are fortunate to have the time to work on those issues at all.
— Noah · Jul 2, 03:18 AM · #
I was half-expecting the 45-year-old hypothetical to segue into some commentary on the Tsing-Loh article.
Great stuff Reihan.
— Steve C · Jul 2, 04:42 AM · #
Tony:
I’m failing to get your repeated use of gravid to modify that sort of capitalization. I like your neologism’s sound, and have before actually wanted a term for that, but pregnancy’s tie-in to capitalized common nouns, I’m afraid, is lost on me. What do you mean by it?
— Mr. Admire · Jul 2, 07:13 PM · #
Mr. Admire —
I had a friend who was a copyeditor at McKinzie. He worked from 4 in the afternoon until midnight. This was a most excellent arrangement for our friendship because it meant he was available for morning surf-sessions.
He reported that much of his time was spent correcting the work of native-german speakers, who would capitalize anything that they Thought was important. (Whether or not this is a feature of written german I don’t know.)
RE: Gravid
I had toyed with Portentous Capitalization to describe JP’s inimitable style, but it’s not quite right. For one, “portentous” is too close to “Pretentious” and will JP often is pretentious indeed, I don’t think his idiosyncratic capitalization is.
I settled on “gravid” because it fits. If you’ve ever had guppies, you know there’s a certain bursting quality to a gravid fish, and that Bursting seems to work well for JP and his capitalization both.
Of course these sorts of choices are hard to explain and even harder to defend. I do know that one or two people whom I admire and whose opinions I value have expressed Amusement at the choice of “gravid.” That seems reason enough to be Pleased.
— Tony Comstock · Jul 2, 08:44 PM · #
All Nouns are capitalized in German.
— Matt Frost · Jul 2, 08:53 PM · #
Tony:
Sentences about to burst, so to speak, with capitals — I like that! Especially since they often form lumps midsentence in the way pregnancy swells up the female midsection. Nice!
— Mr. Admire · Jul 3, 10:02 PM · #
I had no idea that as I was writing the above, JP’s bride was very near bursting! Just read about Nicos on Twitter. Congrats Momma and Poppa Poulos!
— Tony Comstock · Jul 4, 01:41 AM · #
Chet, loved your comments. Please disregard the comments from one “Tony Comstock” who in real life is either [a] the yeast infection in Paris Hilton’s cooter, or, [b] Spencer Pratt. Which is worse, I don’t know. Anyhow, in every web site you will find a douche-nozzle like Tony Comstock. C’est la vie.
As to procrastination, etc – my take is that life belongs to those who get things done. There is no romance in failure or the absence of achievement.
However, since we are becoming a Socialist nation, that may change. In the upcoming Obatopia potheads and people who wear Che shirts will be the leaders and people who work will be put in mines.
Meanwhile Tony Comstock will still be busy furiously beating off to a picture of Markos Moulitsas.
Peace out.
— TheWinterSolstice · Jul 5, 03:54 PM · #
“…cooter…douche-nozzle…”
You must be one of them “Oakshottian conservatives” I keep hearing about.
— Tony Comstock · Jul 5, 10:25 PM · #