So apparently I'm a feminist now.
I was fascinated by this story by Jessica Valenti, of Feministing fame, on the preparations of her “big feminist wedding,” in large part because many of the “feminist” stands she took for her wedding seemed pretty commonsense to me, the Catholic social conservative.
(I should note that this title is in jest. I consider myself a feminist, insofar as I believe that women should enjoy the same rights and opportunities as men do, although I reject many of the dogma espoused by many who bandy about the “feminist” label. When I was contemplating studying history in college, I wanted to write my thesis on the role of women in French society 1774-1848.)
Here are some of the things that shocked Valenti’s friends and family:
[T]here is no proposal story to tell. At least, not the kind most people expect. There were no rose petals scattered on a satin-sheeted bed, no trips to the Eiffel tower, no ring hidden in a champagne glass. There wasn’t even any kneeling.
We don’t have much of a proposal story to tell either. I proposed to my fiancée in front of Notre-Dame, which is not the shabbiest place to do it, but that was simply because we were leaving a restaurant that happened to be next to it. (A good thing about living in Paris is that you’re rarely far from a “romantic” spot.) I did not get on one knee and did not pull out a ring. I embraced her, and popped the question. It was all extremely moving for us of course, but (besides the scenery, I suppose) it wasn’t the stuff of a Meg Ryan movie, or even a cheap sitcom.
Speaking of the ring, this is also something that surprises Valenti’s friends, the lack of a big diamond on her hand. My fiancée has always rejected the idea of an engagement ring, because she doesn’t like jewelry in general, and because she did not want to spend a lot of money on a trinket. We’ve decided on simple, identical gold bands for our wedding rings.
Moving on:
my extended family looked similarly quizzical when I mentioned that I would be keeping my last name.
There really wasn’t any question between us that she would keep her last name, as my mother had, and her mother before (though of the hyphenated variety). In French law, and this has been true since the Civil Code of 1804 if not before, it is impossible for women to change their legal name to their husbands, although they are allowed to use it as a nom d’usage. A common feature of voting in France is to have the line slowed down because one or several women wait in the wrong line, trying to vote under their husband’s name instead of their own (even though it is their own name on their own Goddamn identity papers…).
As I grew up and began identifying myself as a feminist, there were plenty of issues that continued to make me question marriage: the father “giving” the bride away, women taking their husband’s last name, the white dress, the vows promising to “obey” the groom.
I’ll grant the father giving the bride away (although it’s easy to make too much of the word “giving” — there is no equivalent expression in French that I’m aware of) as a potentially cringe-inducing remnant of the Bovary era of dowries and weddings as M&A. Women taking their husband’s last name I’ve covered.
The white dress, of course, is hardly questionable, since it symbolizes not virginity (ha!) but the state of grace of the bride and the groom as they take their vows. Or, if you’re more historically minded, the homeland of Anne of Brittany who started this ongoing trend since, before her and throughout the Middle Ages, brides got married in red, the color of joy (“Oh no! A symbol of joy at a wedding! The Patriarchy knows no bounds to its evil!” Forgive my snark.).
By the way, of all the fashion trends that began in the court of the King of France, I’m much more partial to the one set by Agnès Sorel, who was so convinced she had the most beautiful breasts in the Kingdom, that she made it fashionable in the Court for women to wear dresses that exposed their chest. What happened to that one? (Let the irate comments begin…)
My defending the white dress is kind of ironic, since for most of my life I wanted my eventual bride to wear red, out of a slightly Tolkienesque taste for forgotten traditions, and out of a very PEGesque desire to never miss an opportunity to stand out. But my fiancée chose a gorgeous off-white wedding dress and I joyfully accept the symbol of our oncoming state of grace.
Anyway, if it’s feminist to not be dead set on white for the wedding dress, then color me feminist.
From the beginning, Andrew and I agreed that we would not be one of those couples in which the woman ends up doing all of the wedding-related work because she is the person who is supposed to care about it the most. No, we were going to do this fairly.
Yep, same here. We are doing pretty much everything together. Just seems more practical, no?
Reader EmilyKennedy
wrote about her purple wedding dress, lack of a diamond ring and her decision not to have a “crap-tastic white cake”.
Purple wedding dress? Awesome! As for the crap-tastic white cake, I couldn’t agree more, as with the crap-tastic pièce montées which are the standby of French weddings. We will probably have a pyramid of macaroons.
Another thing that we agreed to very early on is that I would refuse to marry her if she considered quitting work to raise our children (of which, inch’Allah, there will be many), not because of feminist concerns, but simply because I think it’s best for the kids. The last thing I would submit them to is an omnipresent helicopter mom. And also because I want my daughters to have a strong female role model to look up to (okay, so that’s a bit feminist. Damn it!).
Of course, there are some things that Valenti planned for her wedding that are a bit too much for me: using the wedding to raise awareness of the cause of same-sex marriage (I’m not much of an enemy of same-sex marriage, but we won’t be using our wedding to make a statement about it — and by the way, one wonders how many of the guests at Jessica Valenti’s wedding need to have their awareness of the issue raised), making a point to buy the dress “from a store that gives all the money to charity” (one hopes they do give a little to their landlord)… We also considered asking people to donate to a charity instead of buying stuff on a wedding registry, but decided to have our friends buy us our honeymoon instead, because we’re so damn selfless. Unlike Valenti, I would probably have selected a pro-life charity, if there was one I felt comfortable giving money to.
The thing that strikes me about all these things that she fights — the fixation on the ring and on the dress, and the fear of Bridezilla — is that, to my eyes, these things don’t seem so much “Patriarchal” as they seem American, just as our wedding plans don’t seem feminist as much as they seem commonsense.
I guess that like Monsieur Jourdain, we will be having a feminist wedding without knowing it.
As for the father giving his daughter away, there’s one bit of patriarchal tradition you skipped in the article : the bride’s veil. If I remember well, you told me “I don’t want you to wear a veil, because what a veil means is our parents chose us for each other and I only get to see your face once the deal is done”. That seems quite feminist to me !
As the bride, I regularly get quizzical looks when I tell people we chose the gown together, because of all that “the groom should not see the gown” stuff.
I have the feeling that American wedding traditions are spreading abroad. Even my closest friends, as I told them I would like them to be my “témoins” (how do you translate that ?) thought I was asking them to be bridesmaids and started talking about all the ridiculous bridesmaid stuff you see in movies.
Anyway. PEG, I love you, and I love your very special breed of feminism.
Oh, and I will not throw my bouquet either.
— Marie-Laure · Aug 31, 03:19 PM · #
Yes, my breed of feminism is very special. Wheelchair basketball special.
I love you too, my sweet.
(Now let’s try to make this an even sappier comments thread.)
— PEG · Aug 31, 03:33 PM · #
“although I reject many of the dogma espoused by many who bandy about the “feminist” label”.
This is sloppy. Name names! And dogma! Frequently when people say this they’ve constructed some sort of straw-man feminism that’s quite marginal.
— Nicholas Beaudrot · Aug 31, 03:54 PM · #
The law against changing last names . . . a bit totalitarian, no? My take on the issue is here
— Stuart Buck · Aug 31, 04:04 PM · #
Nicholas: It’s sloppy on purpose. I’m trying to avoid this post degenerating into a debate about feminism and how awful I am. :)
— PEG · Aug 31, 04:08 PM · #
Stuart: Totalitarian? Welcome to France. :)
— PEG · Aug 31, 04:09 PM · #
PEG, this is a nice post and I wish you and your beloved every happiness. My husband and I did many of the “feminist” things when we planned our wedding, too — we don’t have a big proposal story (you have Notre Dame as background, we had Dunkin’ Donuts), I didn’t want an engagement ring, we chose the dress and planned the wedding together, etc.
In any event, I liked your post, and I wish you joy.
However, as an at-home mom — or, as you put it, an “omnipresent helicopter mom” — I have to chime in in defense of my at-home sisters and brothers. I’m a well-educated, well-read, intelligent woman with lots of interests and “extra-curricular” activities. Someone has to care for my children, and I don’t think it’s any worse for them that it happens to be me. I also don’t consider myself less of a strong female role model to my daughters because of the path I chose.
— Kate Marie · Aug 31, 04:39 PM · #
Oops. The middle paragraph in the comment above is supposed to come at the end.
— Kate Marie · Aug 31, 04:41 PM · #
Kate Marie: Hi. Thank you.
There are exceptions to everything obviously.
However, my experience was that one of the great things about my education was how alone I was, which was somewhat fortuitous (I was raised by a single mother who needed to work long hours) and somewhat not (I locked babysitters out of the house until Mom gave up). I watched a ton of TV, spent a lot of times playing video games, spent a ton of time idling on the web, played with fire (literally), all things which many parents regard as bad but which had a tremendously positive effect on me.
And while I can point to some practical things I got out of this (some fluency in English, a profitable business building websites in high school and college), the biggest positive was just a general stability and maturity that many of my friends who had helicopter parents have found with more difficulty, or not at all.
— PEG · Aug 31, 05:05 PM · #
I guess what I don’t understand, PEG, is the implication that a “general stability and maturity” is an exception among children who have a parent at home or that it is the rule among children who don’t. I could say that my own experience is the opposite of yours, but that wouldn’t get us anywhere.
— Kate Marie · Aug 31, 05:11 PM · #
You’re right that stability and maturity aren’t “an exception among children who have a parent at home or that it is the rule among children who don’t” in the broader society.
I would, however, wager, that they are an exception (a rare, rare exception) among the children of a specific kind of upper-middle, meritocratic class who have helicopter parents who jam their kids’ schedules full of activities. I am scared to death of those.
I’m sure you’re not one of those (and if you are, there’s nothing I can do to talk you out of it ;) ), but what I am scared to death of is those.
Do whatever you like. It’s a free country. But this is the reason why we’re not going to do this.
— PEG · Aug 31, 05:20 PM · #
Thanks for your responses, PEG. I’m not trying to talk you out of your own parenting plans. I’m sure you and your wife will be lovely parents.
I don’t think I’m a helicopter parent, but who knows? I do have a child who takes piano and seems to enjoy it (she isn’t forced) . . . does that count? ;)
Anyway, I’m merely trying to suggest, as gently as possible, that you could be more generous in your characterizations of other “styles” of parenting.
— Kate Marie · Aug 31, 05:29 PM · #
You’re right. I apologize.
— PEG · Aug 31, 05:36 PM · #
Oh, dear. I wasn’t asking for an apology — but I appreciate your graciousness.
— Kate Marie · Aug 31, 05:48 PM · #
I couldn’t help but laugh at Valenti’s post … it’s probably not a good thing that I see 99% of feminists as sort of adorably misguided and overearnest and self-parodying
— paul h. · Aug 31, 06:40 PM · #
I don’t yet understand why you were under the impression that you weren’t a feminist. Because you didn’t hate men? Because you didn’t view the bra as an instrument of an oppressive patriarchy? Because you don’t believe that all sex is rape?
News flash – these are not the positions of feminists. These are the positions ascribed to feminists by those trying to discredit them. It sounds like, basically, you read The Protocols of the Elders of Zion and said to yourself “wow, I don’t believe in any of this. I must not be a Jew!”
— Chet · Aug 31, 09:44 PM · #
Thesis: Germaine de Stael was just as imperious an individual as Napoleon, making Benjamin Constant both happier and sadder than Bonaparte ever could. Discuss.
— James · Aug 31, 09:51 PM · #
J.Lo and a few celebrities respect the breast-baring tradition.##For our wedding in 1988 I tried not to do anything Lady Di wouldn’t do but couldn’t afford to do much of what she did except a similar style of dress for my bridesmaids. Later I found out two of my dearest friends wore my dresses to a “Wear Your Worst Bridesmaid Dress” party.##Best wishes to you.
— Joules · Sep 1, 04:56 AM · #
Kate Marie: You weren’t, but you were right that I wasn’t generous enough, and in my book, this warrants an apology.
paul: “adorably misguided and overearnest and self-parodying” — excellent!
Chet: You don’t say! Which is why I used qualifiers, saying to paraphrase that I disagree with “many of the things that many of those who call themselves feminists say.” I have more than a passing familiarity with the particular brand of feminism espoused by Valenti and her ilk, and many of the things they say are repellent to me. And as I said in the post, I do consider myself a feminist, and (again, as I said) the title of the post was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.
Joules: Ouch!
— PEG · Sep 1, 07:58 AM · #
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— Diesel Jeans · Sep 1, 09:07 AM · #
“It’s sloppy on purpose. I’m trying to avoid this post degenerating into a debate about feminism and how awful I am. :)”
Okay, that’s fair :).
— Nicholas Beaudrot · Sep 1, 11:42 AM · #
About feminism? Or just about things in general? I think you can disagree with Valenti or Marcotte about, say, musical choices and still be a feminist. But I don’t think you can disagree with them about, say, access to contraception and abortion and still be a feminist.
And you’re being maddeningly non-specific in a thread nominally about this exact subject – a surprising accord between you and Jessica Valenti. Why tap-dance around it? I still don’t understand what you meant.
— Chet · Sep 1, 04:27 PM · #
are you expecting something other than an intemperate and terse response from Valenti which ignores any salient points made in favor of ideological fisticuffs and not-progressive-enough-for-me dismissals?
You might recall her brief exchange with Mr. Friedersdorf…
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